It has been five months since the lockdown commenced, and it has been two months since it lifted out.
In between this time trap, I have been a loser. I don’t have much to do. I wake up to clean myself and help my mother with house chores. I find this not exciting and ever staying schedules of the same job very annoying and frustrating lately. I have nothing to do. I see something to do, and I am tired of doing what I am doing. It’s very monotonous and disappointing. I try to do or learn something in the daytime, but I feel annoyed for no reason again and end up watching movies.
The lockdown last year was different. I was happy, I used to cook, eat, laugh, and talk, but it’s different this time.
I passed by the life-size mirror when I was cleaning my room one day. Something held me and compelled me to step back, and there I was, standing in front of the mirror. I looked at myself carefully. I looked different, I thought.
“What a difference! Is it me? Really?” I murmured to myself. I looked at myself carefully, and different events that had happened in the last five months came across my mind.
I looked at my messy hair. I had not combed it for weeks. When I combed it last time, I struggled to through all the tangles. I realized, “I lost a lot of my hair.”
I looked at my forehead, cheeks, and chin full of small pimples, stress buds, and lots of bumps. The last time when I gave good skincare to my face and body, I remember, it was a month ago. I realized, “I lost my healthy skin.”
I looked through my puffy eyes and swollen eye bags. I could not remember when the last time I had a sound sleep. But, I remember waking up late at night, crying on the pillows, and realizing “I lost my peaceful sleep.”
I looked at my face shrunken. I could see my cheekbones were sticking out. I realized my collar bones were popping up. I remembered last week when I went to check my weight. I was just 45. I felt I was underweight. I realized, “I lost weight.”
I saw my laptop lying on the table. Looking at it through the mirror, I felt the urge to cry. I remembered my office which I had joined just three months ago. I remembered the phone calls and text messages I had made to my seniors two months ago. I realized the silence and excuses. I realized, “I lost my job.”
Just by the side of the laptop, there was another thing lying – my mobile phone. The phone that used to beep the whole day has fallen silent for months. The inbox that used to buzz with messages from loved ones has been empty for months.
I remembered the conversation with him from the last five years until the last five months ago. I remembered how he abandoned me and how he left me for not being good enough. I realized “I lost my relationship.”
I looked at my sister sitting beside the table and doing homework. I remembered the last time we sat and chit-chatted together, and it was a long time back. I remembered moments with her- teasing, laughing, wandering around, fighting, tattle-telling about her to parents, shouting at her, teaching her, scolding her. It was all a long time back. I realized, “I lost good family moments and times.”
I looked at myself back, and I saw a drop of tears falling through my eyes. I remembered the frustrated and anxious moment I dealt with alone. It made me feel what a shattered life I am living at the moment!
I remembered thinking of the bad things I wanted to do- getting lost in my dark emotions, crying myself, sitting alone, trying to smile but failing miserably, and developing anxiety. I realized “I lost my mental health.”
I looked back at myself and realized what I had done this last five-month. What I tried to do things right, what I was not capable of enough, what I did things wrong, what I felt, what I was capable of but I was not able to execute, what my parents are thinking of me, what I have to do, what I should be doing, what I am not doing, what I have, what am I, who am I?
All these questions while looking through the mirror made me realize, “I lost myself.”
The writer is a freelance content writer from Kathmandu, Nepal.