Today I am sitting beside a river and watching the flowing water. I am thinking a lot about my past.
He just texted me, and I am full of cries. I have many questions to ask, but my mouth is shut. I want to ask him that why he is behaving like that.
“Am I not a good wife?”
He has been in a foreign country for nine years. Before going to foreign, we had divorced for his convenience. He was in Japan before. He did his best for the first year. Then he changed. He got his extramarital affair there. His rudeness and unnecessary fighting gave me the sign that he was out of track. He used to say, “get out from my house.” “Why are you living there?”
Oh my god! Being a Nepali girl, it’s not easy to live a free life or live as minimal we want. We have the family and the fuckin society, so we girls must live as they wish. I am not saying all live a hard life, but it’s tough to live as a dependent girl with her family.
I was dependent on his family. Although his family members are so good and supportive, I want him to be a supportive, caring, and loving husband. We have a kid. I haven’t got any love and support from him as I deserve. I was studying at 12 when I got married. I was only 19 years old studying technical subjects.
He was an unemployed man, and I was a student. Anyone can imagine how was the situations we had that time. But his families were nice and took care of it in Nepal. My in-laws were good. His father was like my own father, and so was his mom. I accepted their love and support and gave a lot in return.
I am not a selfish person. I am a good human being. From my heart, I had not done anything wrong to other people. I treat them well and respect them always.
My husband was in another field of life, enjoying his life in his style.That was unfair to me. He never respects my family and me. But I always did toward his family. I won love, care, and support from them but him. I used to share every problem and feeling with his family.They always stood for me.
Father was the best person in my life and the family. As my husband came from Japan, he again started to live in his own way. Family people became very sad about his behavior. We also had a son, but he was not serious about his and our lives.
“Please give me a divorce and I will again go back to Japan and earn money,” he used to say more and more frequently.
It was the most challenging moment in my life. As his behavior was being cruel upon me, his family said that it was only a paper to sign. “We are always with you, and if he does anything wrong with you, then we will give you our property. You can do your own. We will always love and support you” father and mother came up with such promises.
So at the end of the day, I decided to sign the papers. I read the paper, and I got shocked. It was written that I was doing the divorce with my own happiness and I don’t need my child and any property! I thought that I was okay with it being just a fake divorce.
It was all happening for his happiness. Although it was said a fake divorce, I needed my child, if not his property. My son was my everything.
He played a game on it. His parents argued that it was only a papers deal, not a reality. So I divorced him, hoping they were being honest with me. .I trusted everyone in the family.
Everything was okay, and life was going well. I was doing a small job. My son was growing up. After one year, he went to the U.K. Situation of the country was terrible politically. And he went there through a job placement broker agency paying a massive amount of money.
Then his struggle of life began. I had not finished my study. So I joined the management faculty in a college and took exams from home. I mean I didn’t attend classes as a regular student. I studied hard and passed the exams. I was so happy that I completed my class 12.
Now, I joined BBS in college. Life was going on, and my son was going to school. My family was so happy, and we had better strength among my family members.
After two years of going to the U.K., my husband started to change his behavior toward his family and me. After some years, we stopped talking to each other. He even didn’t care about his family. He stopped sending money, spoke rudely, and fought on phone calls. All we were worried about, but I was broken from inside simultaneously.
I had thought that everything would be okay after his settlement there in the U.K. One day, I dreamt that he had married a girl there. I was on one side of the river, and he was on the other side. It was just a dream, but I was feeling it stronger. After some time of that dream, maybe one month later, I heard a rumor that he had got married. And I believed it because he had asked me to email the divorce papers before.
My heart and soul crumbled from inside again. I decided to leave his home with my child. But his parents convinced me that it was not true and I stayed there. But inside my heart, I knew what was true.
He was not talking with me, looking into my eyes, and couldn’t listen to what I wanted to say to him. I knew him well because the 15th year of marriage had passed already. We lived together briefly, thought-for two years before going to Japan and one more year after he returned from Japan here in Nepal.
It was mainly a long-distance relationship between us as husband and wife, and I don’t know what would happen when he comes from the U.K. I am not sure whether we are husband-wife or not. No one knows what’s happening in our lives, and I am hiding my divorce for 11 years from my own parents!
When he stopped sending money, then our family faced many crises. I worked as an insurance agent and earned some money. I did an online clothing business around my friends’ circle to make pocket money.
Nowadays, I stopped everything. My father-in-law passed away before 9 months. Nothing is going well. I get little support from his family, but I am not happy.
I want to live my life peacefully with my child. I don’t want to stay in this family anymore. I am tired, and it’s enough. I have faced many problems, but I never showed my tears to others. And it made me stronger. I don’t know what happens when my husband comes home, but I want to say I don’t need you anymore. I want to live my life with my son alone. I want my independent life, as my father used to say, “Don’t depend upon others ..do yourself!” I want to be this!!
In my life experience, no one turns to be a god in our lives; whatever we do for others to make them happy doesn’t matter anything. We should do good for others and don’t expect anything in return. No one cares what’s going in our life so don’t be afraid to think about others. Do yourself and stay happy in your life. Expectations hurt, so don’t expect anything from others. You are a friend of yours.