He Hit Me Again, Again and Again

He hit me again, but he apologized.
He hit me again last night, but I promise it was my fault to ask him where he was last night, and I even said sorry.

My kid witnessed it too. That’s my only complaint. He never answered my question, though.

I fell asleep on the couch.
Oh, he just brought me flowers and apologized about last night.

Oh my goodness, he just said that we are going on a date. OH, he loves me. I know he loves me like crazy, but it’s me. I always do the stupid thing that compels him to hit me. He said we were leaving at 7. It’s 4 in the evening.

I will wear that red dress he bought me last month as an apology after kicking me in my tummy. But he said sorry so I accepted that red dress.

Wow! I look pretty in this dress but my face. How do I hide all these bruises? He doesn’t let me wear makeup. Oh god, I don’t have a full coverage foundation. I will put concealer, no worries. He will understand.

Perfect! No one will notice these bruises anyways, so I am ready. I can’t believe he just said I look beautiful in this dress. You see, I told you he loves me.

We just came back, and wow, it was so fun. I am glad. He promised that he would never hit me again and even said, “I love you.”

It’s been eight days since he last showed me affection. I made him mad again, but he didn’t hit me this time. Instead, he broke the TV and said ruthless things to me. I said sorry again, but he didn’t listen. I made him his favorite mushroom pasta. He didn’t eat.

I don’t know what to do.

I have a meeting in 2 hours, but he still hasn’t said a word. I guess I am going to have to take a cab. No, please, no. He promised me he wouldn’t hit me anymore.

He broke my nasal bone today. The bleeding has just stopped. I am so hurt. He said he loved me. Today was not my fault, I promise. I was at my office meeting, not dating any stranger. He thought I went out with some guy. He is the wrong one today.

God, it hurts. I hate him when he does this to me. I always do whatever he tells me to do, and he still hits me.

Thank god, my daughter didn’t see this. This is getting worse. I have to do something. He said sorry again.

Surprisingly, I didn’t smile at his apology. Does it even matter anymore? He brought me flowers again. He promised he wouldn’t do it again. He said he loved me. He brought me flowers again. He apologized with flowers again. He hit me again. He lied. He lied again. Again. I can’t do this anymore. He is not the only one lying to me anymore. I am lying to myself that he is going to change. He will never change. I am hurting. Bruises never leave me.
I don’t believe his “I love you”s anymore.

I want to leave. But our daughter. If I leave him, what will I do? I have no choice. Another bruise and another “I am sorry.” I hate him so much.

I wonder if he knows how much he hurts me. Maybe he doesn’t because he thinks I deserve it. I used to think that too, but it took me so long to realize that I never deserved any of those, but he made me feel so instead.

When will he stop? I throw his flowers in the garbage without smelling them and touching them nowadays. I have stopped caring. Next time I will not even take the flower. But I fear if he will beat me up again.

I am thinking of running away to another city. I applied for a job there last week. I am waiting for them to email me back. I don’t want to do this anymore. This is not what I wanted in my life. I have goals.

I have a daughter, and I will do anything to ensure she doesn’t grow up in that household. I will keep applying for jobs far away from here until I get one.

I got a job at a publishing company. I already packed last night. My flight is tomorrow at 6:00 pm. He is not home yet, so I wrote a letter and left it on his work table. I hope he reads it when we are gone.

It’s been two months already. He has called me so many times already and apologized 100 times, but his apology doesn’t make sense anymore. I have filed for divorce already. My daughter goes to an elementary school near our apartment. It took me this long to realize that he never actually loved me, but he loved controlling me, and he loved my company. Stupid me to think that all his beating up was something I deserved. No one deserves that.

I don’t know where I got all that courage, but I did. I prioritize my daughter and my happiness than anything else now. Bruises and scars are fading away. I am doing pretty good at my job. I am happier than I have ever been.