I was just passed from my true love. I had thought that I would never fall in love again in my life. Love is just a game for others. People play with it as a game. Love is a pure feeling between two hearts, where one respect and care for each other. There should not be any expectations in love. We should only give in love.
When I was 15, I was studying in class 9. I was good at my studies and loved to read stories too. I was a girl not believing that love exists in the world. It’s just an imagination. My friend Garcia was close to me. She shared her every feeling with me. She was my classmate and one of my childhood friends too.
When she was in grade 8, she fell in love with a guy from another caste community. She used to share everything with me. When the guy passed by her house, she was happy.
It was so crazy when she defined his dressings and his looks. Sometimes I felt so irritated when she used to start that topic. I was a strong girl and loved nature and kids. I had many friends younger than me. I used to play games with them. I was 14-15, and they were 10-11.
I am a girl but don’t like to present and behave like a stereotyped girl. I wouldn’t say I liked wearing bangles, saris, putting bindi on forehead, and eyeliner in eyes. But some friends of my age put on bindi and bangles, which I felt so irritated with. They used to talk girly matters and behave like a young lady, which I always disliked. So, I didn’t care about it and started playing with kids.
Gracia, my friend, fell in one-sided love, which was so terrible! I suggested that she not be crazy about his love because he didn’t know anything about it. She said she loved him for 3-4 years and couldn’t forget him. She wrote a love letter to him one day, and I worked as a postlady to deliver the letter to him. He said that he didn’t know anything about her and that she would better please forget him. He clearly said that he couldn’t love her.
I went a bit crazy that I forced him to think once about my poor love-seeking friend. But he denied it.
After that incident, I stopped believing in love and thought, how can someone love others and can’t forget them.
Time was passing through its way, and I was enjoying my childhood and teenage at the same time. I was studying well and thinking of my career. But who knows what will happen in our life. I didn’t know that anything could happen in our lives and we have to suffer.
One day, when I was playing with my friends near the school, one tall guy approaching us said, “Don’t you feel shy about playing games with the small kids?” I suddenly saw him and turned my back to him.
“No, I replied. What’s there to feel shy?” I replied.
“You are a big girl, and they are small girls, so I am asking, don’t feel bad,” he said. Maybe he was kidding, but I felt so angry.
He was studying a notebook then. The young man was a tall and thin boy wearing an orange sweater and pants. Then we went near him and asked, “Are you Brahmin?”
It was ridiculous to ask that question, but he said, “Yes, but why?”
“You are wearing tika on your forehead, so l am asking” my clarity.
He said, “Today’s my father’s birthday, so I put on tika.”
I asked his father’s name, studies, college, family, village, etc. Because I felt so angry with him that he talked with us like a kid. He said he was studying in grade 12 in the Management faculty, and it’s his final year preparation time. The sun was setting and getting dark, so we went to our home. Another day also we had a normal talk with him, it was fun talking with him, and I felt happy inside.
He asked about my family and study too. Before we left, he said, “Hope to see you at this place tomorrow too.” I outright refused his hope.
That night my mind and heart were feeling crazy. That stranger was in my dreams, eyes, and heart. Everywhere. It replayed all the talking with him as a tape recorder plays. I felt like he was the most handsome guy in the world. His image struck in my eyes. I wanted to see him again and again. Unfortunately, I remembered everything but his name. His good-looking manness made me badly wait to see him as earliest as possible.
At 5 in the evening after my school, I started to go there and wait for him. I didn’t know why I was waiting for him, but it was helplessly happening from my end. We didn’t have any lovely conversations either. But still, I remembered all the things we talked about.
I waited there till evening with my friend Dina. She was my best friend, and still, she is.
I named that unknown Sweetman ‘Lotus’ because I didn’t know his name. It was like my obligatory duty to go and wait for Lotus with my friend Dina from that day.
I realized that I fell in love with him crazily. My eyes were waiting for him to show up. My eyes searched him all around the nooks and corners but couldn’t find him. I almost went insane to see him.
It was really a hard feeling that you are in love with a guy you met just 2-3 times in your life, and he doesn’t even know anything about it. It was the craziest feeling in my life where I couldn’t hold my mind and thoughts saying, let it go.
“Where have you been, Lotus? My eyes are waiting for you, but you don’t have any idea how much I love you!” my heart was saying.
How could my friend Gracia forget the guy her first love so easily? It was my first experience of falling in love. And having time so hard to bear, I decided not to fall in love again.
After that heart-rendering incident, I completed high school and joined the college. I already said I was a strong lady having a stone heart. I didn’t have the habit of speaking politely with boys.
Time passed away, and I felt more robust and more focused on my studies. Still, I couldn’t stand not thinking about Lotus when I was alone. I had great expectations to meet him in my life at least once.
While I was making study notes at home, I felt a hard object inside my bag one day. I felt like a greeting card. My hands shooked while opening it. I opened it and saw there was a card and a letter. That was the first love letter in my life. I read it correctly two times. It was so unique and beautiful to get a card in my name from a young man. I was feared but happy too. The unbelievable thing was that I didn’t know the person who sent me this.
There was a guy’s name, but I did not know who that was. The letter was written beautifully, and the words were so meaningfully crafted. I even searched the word’s meaning in the dictionary to understand the first love to its fullest. He wrote my name and gave the meaning of each initial letter composing a beautiful acrostic poem. But even though I liked the letter, I couldn’t accept him. I had promised myself not to fall in love, so I replied, “I can’t accept you.”
I asked one of my friends if she knew who our classmate named Roy was. She said she knew him and explained that he was a nice guy and that I could say yes to him. But still, I denied it. I gave her a rejection letter meant to deliver to him from me.
I used to listen to tragedy songs during my college life. I loved to listen to them and remember Lotus.
After some time, Roy sent me another letter. But this time, he apologized for showing his love to the wrong person instead of imposing his love upon me.
Everything was going well. Then after our first semester results, I thought a lot and sent him an acceptance letter because he was so caring. He was talented in studies and helpful too. He used to call me on my friend’s phone because I didn’t have my cell phone then.
We used to talk about the future and families. I was almost dependent upon him, thinking he was a nice guy and talented. I even felt that he was good in his study and would get a good-paying job so I wouldn’t need to work hard. What an insane thought it was!
But why was I ruining my life depending on others? Have I seen the future? No one knows what’s written on the forehead by the active God. He loved wholeheartedly buy what about I to him? For sure, I was restless because of his love proposal but did I really love him? My mind and heart were not ready to love him for life.
Even though I was well disturbed by his presence in my life, I felt bad that I was not a loving and caring girl for him. I thought he deserved more than what he could get out of me. Therefore, I was not the right person for him.
One day, while walking on a street, he asked me to close my eyes. He said it was a surprise. I closed my eyes and felt a touch on both my cheeks. He kissed me, and I was not ok with it. I never believed in love, and the most important thing is I didn’t like any boy touching me without my permission. I decided I couldn’t accept this. I felt so humiliated and bad.
I don’t know why I felt that because it wasn’t a big deal. It was simply a kiss, but I felt angry and walked away without talking. I thought he intended to suck ultimate advantages out of me. I thought I would ruin myself if I continued that with that guy. I decided to do a breakup.
His kiss hurt me a lot. I am a vegetarian and traditional girl. I believed in God all time. For me, pure love can be made without touching each other. We should protect our bodies before marrying. It’s our faith in God and loyalty for would-be husband. All I learned this from family and culture.
I overthought his kiss on my cheeks and decided to do the final breakup with him. I woke up at midnight and wrote a letter: “Sorry, I can’t be your life partner. It’s my fault that I can’t understand you. You are a nice guy, but I was just trying to use you. I love someone else. Please forgive me!”
After the letter, he went crazy. One of his best friends from his hostel called me on my friend’s cell phone and showed a lot of anger, saying that I did a poppet-love with him to hurt and ruin his life. He also mentioned that he had done crazy things and cried a lot.
I was not feeling any guilty for the breakup. After that incident, gradually, I moved forward and completely forgot him. He was not able to forget me, but it was easy for me because I did all this!! I know I made a huge mistake by accepting his proposal and hurting him a lot. I gave him lots of pain, but it’s my right not to choose him. I still feel sorry for that immature decision I made in my life.
Please forgive me.